I opened a thank you note after a postpartum visit and my client had written that when they told anyone their birth story her husband always said, “Our doula was worth her weight in gold.” Besides being an amazing compliment, it reminded me how a doula helps the birth partner as much as the birthing person. There are many ways a doula can help a birth partner that you may not even consider when looking for a doula. Here are 6 ways a doula can support your birth partner.
Assist with physical tools
Doing counterpressure or massaging gets tiring if you do it for hours, especially when you’ve had little sleep. Having a doula present to work together with your partner eases that burden. Most doulas teach the partner at a prenatal visit how to do counterpressure correctly, utilize a rebozo, and use other exercises to help the baby get in a good position before labor begins.
Remind to eat, drink, and rest
Many giving partners feel that if their wife is working the whole time then they should too. While this thought is loving, it’s hard to fully support someone when you’re not taking care of yourself. If both you and your partner have been up all night coping with contractions you can call a doula in so your partner can sleep for 30-60 minutes and wake up ready to support again. Other times a doula can pick up food for the partner, or the partner can pick up a meal so they have a small break. Occasionally, a doula reminds the partner to drink or assures them it is okay to do things like go to the bathroom and that their wife will not be left alone while they’re gone.
Answer questions
In addition to physical support, doulas are also there to provide emotional and informational support for partners, just as they are for the birthing person. Even if you take a birthing class there is SO MUCH to know about birth. Questions inevitably come up, especially if possible interventions are suggested or the medical staff is explaining something that they have observed. Doulas have a lot of knowledge and experience to help answer questions or will know where to get the answers if they don’t know. This is true not only during labor, but also in prenatal and postpartum visits.
Explain the birth process
Many partners ask “Is this normal?” or “What is the next signpost to watch for?” during labor. Since most exposure to birth is what is seen for a few moments on TV shows or in movies, a lot of partners don’t really know all the shifts that happen throughout labor. Explaining to a partner that it’s normal for their partner to get quieter as intensity increases, or how occasionally the baby’s heart rate may lower when their head is in the birth canal can calm fears. If they’re anxious about the amount of time labor is taking, telling them what comes next can give them something else to pay attention to besides the minutes on a clock.
Give suggestions
Most of the time each support person finds their roles to fill, but occasionally I’ll give gentle suggestions about comfort their wife might need based on what I see from her cues. Or if I’m already doing something and need to step away I may ask them to take over or just to do a task I can’t do while giving hands on support.
Reassure and encourage
During the birth where I received the thank you card mentioned above, I remember at the most intense part of labor that my client’s husband looked at me worriedly and then quietly texted me asking when it’s too much and if we should consider encouraging her to have an epidural. I assured him this intensity level most likely meant she was near the end, but that if she was suffering, an epidural is always an option that we could discuss with her if it continued on. Within a few minutes she was pushing and not long after that they were holding their baby. Sometimes a doula is there to reassure that what is happening is normal and to remind everyone that there will be an end.
Some people are worried they will lose intimacy by adding a stranger into the room, but a doula does a lot of the work a partner would have to do so it actually gives him more time to be present with you. All these reasons are why doulas advertise that they are not only there for the birthing person but are there for the birth partner too. It is a good idea to invite your partner to interviews with potential doulas to make sure they also fit well with the doula’s personality. If you both feel comfortable with inviting a doula into your space you will be surprised at all the benefits you will both get before, during, and after labor.
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